Monday, April 22, 2024

Something about love and attraction

 

I’ll start of with more presentable but fragmented format before losing readership too early due to decent into madness style parts as I introduce my “teachers” and “classrooms” along with few examples how I observe/control/attune with feelings.

Left out maybe half of the content due to various reasons varying from mundane esoteric inner structures that don’t seem useful, too much weirdness considering the useful info they provided to outright scary infohazards.

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Saner chapter

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In summary: with attraction/infatuation something causes subtly buzzing energy in presence of someone in particular which cause restless energy that dissolves usual thoughts, drives and attitudes. In this state mental energy is largely diverted to daydreams of previous meetings or potential future activities together which can be addictive and often obsessive. Extra energy is diverted towards trying to impress someone. Caringness, desire for approval etc become diverted to one person as caring for other people or received their approval starts to feel much more hollow. Infatuation involves lust, desire and need for closeness focused to almost painful degree. This obsessive focus seems to have room just for one person although less manic attraction and desire might leap on others. As daydreaming becomes more obsessive it can give sense of mental/emotional connection that feels missing something important if there is physical distance between individuals. Reduced physical distance can lead to lust as craving for least possible physical distance with desire for maximum contact area is more arousing.

With love there is something (usually other one improved something enough) that leads to dedicated care or in extreme cases borderline worshiping behavior towards that person. While target of attraction can switch from one person to another depending on availability love is bit more tied to specific person due to more special role.


Buzzing energy

 

Initial attraction can start through variety of way. Sometimes just because other one looked attractive enough. Other times because of slightly different stimuli like having a lively spark, being pleasant in magical (trance inducing) way, provide some valued pleasant feeling that was missing in life or just plain showing attraction without being disturbing. Basically something that gives glimpse of something pleasant that becomes seed of obsession which grows with help from imagination. Among things to start attraction is to provide nice new future opportunities, help out in beautiful new otherworldly ways etc. Beautiful otherness helps.

The pleasant feeling that is attractive can vary wildly between individuals. Some may want eye candy or deep unusually deep mental/emotional connection or someone tough and strong to take care for them or someone gentle and caring or someone thrilling to spice up the life or give ego boost or someone more romantic or someone that can start sexual desire or someone cute and gentle to take care of etc. Or without affection just get a piece of someone elses money, power or fame.

Presence of emotional unrest can be good as it pushes to care more and do something about things that trouble or keep things in worse state. Normal driven state might not be enough to overcome some lazy or bad habits but the sharper misery from lovesickness can be powerful enough. During times of attraction creature become driven to show themselves at their peak or from as good quality as possible and such energy helps adjust owns life.

Major part of comfort is not caring. As resting state it is fine but if lack of care about owns problems is more consistent then it can degrade or limit quality of life with improvements stopping. When attraction, infatuation and love starts then comfortable calm ends but on plus side it pushes people to work on themselves as comfortable inactivity stops being an option.

That buzzing energy powers different behaviors and feelings from lust to self improvements as there is increased motivation be as presentable as possible. Some euphoric hopeful restless pride mixed with insecurity about owns worth.

Important to not lower self too much when searching for caring and nurturing relationship. Behaving like someone worthless in desperate need of approval may just be repelling or overinflate other ones ego.

For those with bigger egos in those situations this energy might get diverted to proud dominating mindset which can be very cold and uncaring while in situations where other side is seen as more valued the energy gets diverted to more caring and nurturing mindset which softens sense of self.

While this energy is exhausting it has its upsides. It makes people care more and with that they’ll care more about themselves. On other hand loss of relationship with someone to care about can make people let themselves go.

Caring seems to be kind of emotion that is either present in self for multiple people (self+at least one more person) or nobody.


Soul melt

 

During the intense liking of someone during infatuation there can be feeling almost as if soul/psyche is softening to the point of melting into something liquid and this tender soft state craves for closeness of other one seeking to merge as much as possible with someone else. Many of personal feelings and priorities like pride, dignity, professional drives etc become more trivial. This state starts from infatuation related daydreams and fantasies which dissolve normal typical thinking into more fluid and less sane emotional feverish state that is almost entirety driven to keep the pleasant thoughts going with some motivation to confirm that pleasant daydreams are not delusional but that other person likes you back.

Sense of being likable is major foundation for pleasant daydreams while worse behaviors make those daydreams seem more delusional and hollow. Feelings towards person not stopped by bad behavior either as sense of being unlovable just lets worse motivations towards the person take over.

Infatuated daydreams make psyche feel weak and vulnerable which makes daydreams more intense. Loving feelings are more intense when person can drop the rough harsh shell which they likely need among worse and untrustworthy people. Right kinds of emotional music, shyness reduction, increased happiness, confidence and sense of security helps with letting loose to be in this more soft state which can much more deeply enjoy the blissful euphoric ride daydreams or activities provide.

Being happy and shy can be encouraging to others reducing their shyness or adding confidence.

Likely there will be sense of imbalance from one side being too cold and closed or seemingly so desperate to please that other side closes off due to feeling not worthy of so good treatment. Easy to conclude that someone infatuated with yourself would be severely disappointed if they knew you or that they are so much worse that owns problems seem worth worshiping.

As can be expected such soft simple state just going on ride of pleasures might lead to failures in judgment and decency.


Love

 

For the sake of clarity I consider love separate from attraction and lust which unlike those other 2 take longer time to develop and bit more history with the other person. Usually after feeling the other person has improved life in special way and is often less sexual. Various forms of love could be completely asexual and platonic while others are more sexual trance giving and in case of charismatic leaders closer to worshiping as the leader seems to try to change world in way followers desire.

Love is close to what religions often direct towards some deity but in its more natural state it is directed towards some very special and pleasant person with plenty of elements from zeal, dedication, worship (including elevation/glorification of other side and lowering of self), fanaticism, rituals etc mixed in with daily routine revolving around someone else. And like fanaticism it can be maddening with effect on quality of life depending on who gets worshiped.

This worshiping mindset does drive social creatures to help and aid those who seem best in some ways and help usually capable/helpful individuals but it can be both mentally and physically unhealthy as care and resources going towards single individuals might cause lack of care or neglect towards other people. Such harmful love related to idolization could be weakened by showing followers what serious base primitive flaws and twisted behaviors their idol has. A kind of unpleasant sharply saddening feeling can come from apparently amazing, respected, divine or glorious person doing something very base.

Then again this entirely servile and worshipful behavior has its use as part of partner attraction, zealously protecting nest and serve other partner plus later the offsprings.

Love and attraction are unusual biological drives as they push people to be as amazing as possible and put others in trance or under their “spell”. Sometimes they resemble manic madness that yearns to spread itself.

While love and attraction are at times torturous one should remember that evolutionary drives often are uncomfortable and more “concerned” with perpetuation of genes that help creatures be more effective with perpetuating their lineages with little regard for comfort of individuals.

Unrequited loved harnessed for inspiration can be very productive and push behavior to higher heights in more magical direction than more mundane physical love where ideals might suffer from reality. Both types are maddening and disappointing in their own ways.

Much more magical or divine sense of love from someone that pushes self far beyond usual goodness. Even very powerful ones might be seduced by relative nobodies that can make them feel far better, capable, more grounded in pleasant human way or existing as an even higher tier being.

To increase likelihood of love it is good to stay away from wrong people and influences. Many people are stuck with terrible people because they don't feel deserving of anyone good or think that anyone who values/appreciates them is delusional and soon very disappointed if they get to know their loved ones. This distorted thinking pressures many choose to stay with people that treat them like the trash they consider themselves to be and this rewards worst people.

Probably most if not all exploiters are uncaring towards others because they don't see anything good or worthwhile in them. Abusers with their activities, knowingly or not, drain their victims from pleasant feelings and leave them in sluggish haze that leaves them easier to dehumanize.

Major part of feeling love is to have strong enough drive to stay away from such people that lead to more self loathing and misery.

Some guilt over owns worth is normal. Anyone who has been any good is still going to feel regret over letting others down in the past. That's not reason to punish caring good people around by making obviously self defeating bad decisions and reward worse people by spending owns limited lifetime with them who will feel their negative views validated as it seems to have earned them a plaything/servant as partner.

Side effect of love or attraction is this vulnerable state in sort of mental softening that seeks for someone that would keep this tender state safe and pleasant although it also makes things easier for exploiters. Being emotionally too weak to defy abusers and just wallow in misery makes one seem like broken and controllable playthings for abusers. 

 

Seasonality 

 

At least for me in the past ~20 years the timing of those feelings and mindsets seems to follow seasonal cycles. Autumn and early winter are times where I most likely fall in love with thoughts more lustful with peak feelings around november-december. Later in winter and during spring lust and mania start to cool down and turn more calm and caring mindset with hot summertime the being the most passive, tired and calm time.

Timing of publishing this post was partly for cultural significant time of spring as time for those feelings but also because i wanted to be in this halfway state between winter and summer with extra caringness hopefully making me more careful with what I publish.

 

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Beyond the veil

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Rest of it goes more into details and background.

When attraction had started I found out problem that would make this relationship too problematic but I judged it appropriate for physically distant worthwhile research project which would have been a fine continuation of previously published “fragments of utopia” post. So I let my curiosity deal with this “relationship” from distance without getting close or talking as those kinds of distant feelings are common and helping to overcome those or know what worsens their effects could be helpful in large scale. Extremely for this “relationship” to go anywhere as there would be mutual scariness with feelings along the lines of “HOLY SHIT! WTF?” both for her but also for me as partly I perceive her as the source of this strangeness. Plus the worries about her suppress any flirty/seductive mindset as sadness and guilt can ward off flirty and seductive behaviors.

As part of research I allowed or pushed those feelings to become as intense as I could get them or until problematic side effects and terrible moods became too much and then searched ways to weaken or neutralize those. Mostly it followed sequence of one mood dominating until I found way to control it, then next one took over until I understood and controlled enough and then again next one and so on.


Obsidian seducer 

 

Of all the entities and realms mentioned in this post it was the one who showed up earliest before even meeting her. Initially got glimpses of tan muscular male with blonde hair that obscured its eyes and it felt to be mild source of confident energy. Few weeks after infatuation started something very similar showed up spontaneously but this time it was in black glassy disc shaped field under starry sky and colorful nebulas. Near middle stood a muscular male entity apparently made of black glass that reflected stars or some dots of lights or few colors. On top of head were short thick black tendrils that cover top of head and eyes are always covered while mouth seems to smirk as with the previous version. Only piece of clothing was strip of “cloth” around as wide as leg starting from waist and reaching down to knees. The strip was covered with texture of more colorful pink and blue clouds and there seemed to be slow waves always traveling from top of the cloth downwards.

Entire realm has some calm trancelike mood and there can be “winds” or “streams” above that carry colorful (mostly white, blue, pink and beige) horizontally stretched cloudlike formations and being in those streams softly wiped away usual thoughts while making immersive daydreams return. There can be soft chills of pleasure as streams of clouds flow through entire realm.

Specialty of this place is just to provide daydreams and fantasies as there doesn’t seem to be much care for sexuality but mostly to keep others too in this pleasant trance which is an addictive desire.

Among side effect of spending time there was that this drive to be more effective at keeping others in this trance there would need to be some work done with self to be more effective with this goal and led to many hours of attentive research into various mundane nonesoteric ways to keep people in happy seductive trance.

Obsidian seducer can be a good influence by “punishing” bad behavior with making those pleasant daydreams much more weak or hollow and less believable as guilty feelings ruin daydreams. Decent or good behavior makes pleasant daydreams more convincing.

Those daydreams are often not sexual but they can be. Mostly they were not directed at any particular person but instead scattered among many decent likable people with different mindsets.

Obsidian seducer doesn't seem to care much about sexual closeness and seems fine with just enjoying the blissful dreamy streams it can create and "bathe" in. This lack of need for what qualifies as sex provides it with wider range of people for those feelings as they could have partners or other obstacles for sexual intimacy. Initially daydreams were with one person but this soul melting effect did start switching other imaginary participants with mostly strangers which helped dilute unneeded obsession with that one person.

Around the time I found this entity I did notice I seemed to attract more women without trying to do anything different as if my charisma had increased without me noticing until others started to get close to me much more than usual. Still not very clear what is behind all this but suspecting the mixture of being entranced by something and showing subtle awe.

Daydreams with obsidian seducer can weaken morals/standards and make presence of partner or large age gap feel more acceptable. There is kind of morally blinding effect that comes with spending time in those cosmic daydream streams that blocks out typical thinking (for better or worse). Even when daydreams stop there is almost rhombus shaped light toned colorful zone where usual thinking should be. It does seem to cause deep calm serenity.

Despite this region being most productive place listed in this text I also left out large amount to not “ruin the magic” by clinically listing specific behavior. Better and likely more fun to figure out those things within self plus how else to train such mindset.

Material resembling obsidian has been most recurring material in my ~10 year experience of inner exploration and seems to be most resilient and stable material. While other textures can easily change depending on mood or thoughts obsidian looking ones stay as they are through all. It is somewhat unsurprising that the only stable structure in the obsidian seducers realm are apparently made of it as those daydream inducing flows and streams dissolve pretty much all other thoughts and mindsets with daydreams stronger when obsidian objects/entities also not thought about.

While this place is good training ground for pleasant trance induction it doesn’t help with many other pleasant behaviors in any kind relationships outside providing dreaminess. This mindset can turn sad and melancholy with absence of anyone to keep in trance.

Sexual desires and trances involve going along with cosmic ethereal energy streams coming from ancient primal sources. Something that obsidian seducer can easily notice in its own black glassy realm. It is an area of space where starry sky transitions smoothly into black fleshy bumpy wall and then into slightly colorful largely beige meaty region with writhing tentacles. Energy streams seem to flow away from in perpendicularly to its surface. The disc can be aroused with various arousing thoughts, feelings and sensation among which are plenty of mundane sexually arousing tips. It seems to be most colorful region in obsidian seducers realm.

Almost certain that those who want to be dominated want it because it can send them on blissful ride in this stream of lust and pleasure.

Sometimes this river/stream/aura of sexual energy can be enjoyed by just being close with someone that is desirable. Two people with their behavior creating resonance of it which can tempt them to be closer and closer or just practice this “magical” art. It is restless and anxious but also feels magical and urges behavior to keep it going as this “magic” or trance is very addictive. In hindsight leaving this feeling or feeling cut off from it resembles opioid withdrawal with strong sadness and anxiety while mind is mostly just recalling saddening thoughts that end if there is return to this happy stream.

Being in pleasant physically close relationship is easiest method for most people without esoteric insight to melt away their problems with sense of closeness that is addictive and which they try to sustain by behaving pleasantly with each other.

In general avoiding things that worsen self image and cause anything close to self hatred can increase hold by obsidian seducer as this magical trance seeking mindset is more powerful with good behavior.


Beast of baphometh 

 

During those daydreamy and often obsessive thoughts I noticed myself one day getting too grumpy, miserable and got impulse to stalk which was unsettling and decided to find the cause.

One basic trick I use for something that has too strong hold on me is to think of horizontal smokey grey tendrils with one set reaching from left edge of visual field towards right side and another set from right edge reaching to left with tips close to each other and have those tendrils sort of rake psyche starting from back of head or center of thoughts quickly moving this tendril rake until it hits dark wall in front or to the right with different moods and mindsets causing appearance of different creatures or things squished against the wall by those tendrils.

In this case it felt like this rake was also pulling black roots or threads from my brain and what was squished against the wall up in front of me looked like ~3-4 meter upper body of goat/horse headed humanoid creature with limbs, skin and lower half of body ripped off. Surface looks bloody and irregular like torn flesh and creatures head was turned towards my left side of visual field with facial expression of eyes squeezed shut and teeth clenched as if in pain. Parts of ribs seemed visible. Lower torso seemed twisted and narrowing like some fleshy cone that was twisted off from lower body. As I grimly stared at it I felt stalky restless misery fade while hate and loathing towards this thing made my psyche reject its influence with revulsion. With such inner demon containment method hate and loathing towards something is what keeps them contained while things I don’t mind let loose like calm curiosity (most commonly raked up thing that resembles group of hovering spheres connected with loose chains or strings) which drift away without hindrance.

Initially I labeled it Baphomet due to similar head shape although it doesn’t seem to have any horns or wings.

Days after containing the entity I got brave enough to “interrogate” the relatively unknown prisoner. As usual by reducing the mental armor composed of hatred, loathing and revulsion towards such entities by being in more indifferent state as the mental effect of prisoner make themselves known and their mental effects radiate and “natural habitats” show up. There was a vision of dark gray twilight sky with a black creature in right edge of visual field that looks like black panther with head of an angry/grumpy looking near horn beast (Paraceratherium). Land is covered by black jagged bare bushes reaching around owns height and observing those cause miserable restless anger. In the sky there gray moonlike sphere but there are short gray tentacles reaching out from its edges.

Mood there was just miserable restless anger without any compassion or care while something resembling sex obsession could be weakly noticed in the short visits into that hellish realm. Shapes of those jagged (kinda like black lightning bolts) “plants” were angering. “Moon” was had its own maddening effect.

Initially labeled the entity beast of Baphomet as it was more feral and animalistic creature related to this captured “Baphomet”.

Occasional short dips into researching baphomet beast in its dark domain made me think that this is the spirit animal of rapists and cold, unhappy but horny animals who rely on attacking other males and raping females. Misery seems to empower it and any activity from mild verbal hostility might be enough to empower this mindset more as angry bitter misery reduces hopes for being lovable.

One terrible likely evolutionary backup driver to breed is the switch from caring mindset not getting approval shift into much more uncaring and selfish desire to find partner just for gratification.

Idea of relation ending or not getting far enough does empower this miserable grumpy possessive mindsets which explain why women would become afraid of rejecting and dealing with those ugly impulses which are opposite of seductive mindset but still driven to mate like some ancient nightmarish evolutionary legacy lurking in psyche to increase chance of producing offsprings if charm and pleasantness is inadequate.

Since capturing beast of baphomet there seems to be lack of negative response to feeling that someone very likable is not going to be my partner as now i don't "let go" of my standards and there was odd serenity with those realizations.

Initially I wondered if this entity would also get censored (mainly due to obvious harm to my reputation) or omitted like some other parts but left it in as harsh cautionary reminder of possible mindset that can awaken when attraction is involved. It is a miserable mindset and revulsion towards it can help snap out of its effects. It was easy to control it as within hours of noticing bad attitude I had it contained while with some other feelings I struggled with over a month. Plus most adults have likely witnessed or experienced signs of this mindset. I’ve witnessed even women turn very hostile when I don’t go along with flirting although for me it wasn’t scary due to strength difference unlike for similar situations for girls or women when men become angry after charm fails. Instead of awareness towards this twisted ancient mindset many abusers are surrounded by bad influence that justify the anger towards other side through some hostile “reasoning” and victimblaming.

It can be appealing to revel in pleasant daydreams but this entity is reminder of what feeling might lurk in people and in case of wrong people lash out horribly.

Containing that mindset was oddly productive moment as other entities became easier to observe, including obsidian seducer who had been showing up in daydreams occasionally but after containing the beast I noticed much more clearly what that obsidian entity contributed and could spend hours daydreaming there. 

 

Grey tentacle

 

Throughout the experience I did find some relief from unwanted lust, excess daydreaming to loneliness through just having corroded silvery sparkling tentacle move into sources of those feelings/visions from right edge of visual field and have light around it turn to darkness although it was crude solution that sometimes felt so cold that I countered effects by deliberately restoring my mood.

 

Sedation zone

 

After containing beast of baphomet realized she had help find and capture something significant which altered mood towards her. Instead of restless emotional daydreamy state response upon seeing her it flipped overnight into strong calm still serenity which felt really close to some narcotic sedation although effects did fade with varying speeds into bit more restless withdrawal state which was unneeded.

And all it took for this high was to be aware that "yep, she is there" and doing fine. Quickly tried to map out all the mental sources of this narcotic high and it looks bit like column of pink fibers looking V shaped if looked from above with the converged part at neck bones or back of mouth around the height of upper half of neck.

Within few hours felt some restless withdrawal from that sedation and realized I need to control it to not get different type of stalkiness. Withdrawal ended after seeing sort of black/dark green organic cross shape above the pink fibers and something slowly flowing down seemed to return to more neutral state without sedation nor withdrawal. Price of pleasant daydreaming about being with someone causes those intense narcotic high and withdrawal mood swings. Luckily the "cross" above narcotic zone quickly balances the mood.

Feels like form of platonic love that suppresses libido lower than normal. It did start after jailing baphomet and gaining lots of sympathy towards her although from a grim sad angle due to knowing how accidental her contribution in this entire maddening mess has been. It is more intense than the cozy "old couple" feeling which is located nearby but lower and wider kinda like dark red or almost black sparkly pixelated magical flames. Those flames feel nurtured by caring behavior and small gestures but likely needs people to have similar enough attitudes and values for goodness and worthwhile gestures.

This narcotic sedation doesn't seem to rely on closeness that much. Being very close or in physical contact might flip to more passionate mindset.

That deep bliss seems to be a seeking drive. It is driven to know where someone pleasant is as it calms when finding that one in safe decent conditions but can be agitating when not aware where someone is or if someone that was noticed is actually that specific person.

The sedating and addictive coziness that comes with being aware of someone close enough in ok state seems to be driver left by evolution to be in general area or protective with someone, who is precious in some way. It could be something that keeps young creatures addicted to presence of their parents/caregivers or parents/carers addicted to knowing where their kids are all the time with anxiety if someone is lost but return of happy calm if they are found in good state.

        

Soul consistency spire

 

While struggling with sad semi-molten soft soul looked for the source of this feeling. Got vision of black sludge/tar filled warm round swampy pit where middle part seemed slightly lower but in there was a soft cone shaped structure. Entire place felt miserable and warm of hot in way that mainly makes sadness, anguish and lack of motivation worse.

Then thought of moving wave of chilly coldness under the surface of this black soul sludge and through the spire which turned entire place light grey/blue with sense of mental strength close to fanaticism felt from this altered version. The small (around person height) cone shape looked more straight and slightly taller in this state. Seeing armored knights around it with backs towards it empowered this version and moved daydreams into more heavenly realms (white clouds, golden lightbeams and buildings largely white/beige plus golden) with nice gazebos and buildings and cityscapes if view moves upwards above this spire. After being in miserable weakened tormented state and leaving it into those places refreshes clarity and drive. This could push people into more religious type behavior.

Have been using this method to fix/harden unwanted molten soul and weakened willpower as it can add enough drive to loath passivity and laziness. On other hand during soul softening music there is sight of something fluid slowly flowing/falling into tip of this spire and entire region turns again darker and softer.



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