Something about love and attraction

(most recent major update 22.4.26) 

 

I’ll start of with more presentable but fragmented format before losing readership too early due to decent into madness style parts as I introduce my “teachers” and “classrooms” along with few examples how I observe/control/attune with feelings.

Left out maybe half of the content due to various reasons varying from mundane esoteric inner structures that don’t seem useful, too much weirdness considering the useful info they provided to outright scary infohazards.

This post is also going to give idea what path my research into minds has taken and why I have not published for long time considering content here is somewhat tame and sane.

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Saner chapter

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In summary: with attraction/infatuation something causes subtly buzzing energy in presence of someone in particular which cause restless energy that dissolves usual thoughts, drives and attitudes. In this state mental energy is largely diverted to daydreams of previous meetings or potential future activities together which can be addictive and often obsessive. Extra energy is diverted towards trying to impress someone. Caringness, desire for approval etc become diverted to one person as caring for other people or received their approval starts to feel much more hollow. Infatuation involves lust, desire and need for closeness focused to almost painful degree. This obsessive focus seems to have room just for one person although less manic attraction and desire might leap on others. As daydreaming becomes more obsessive it can give sense of mental/emotional connection that feels missing something important if there is physical distance between individuals. Reduced physical distance can lead to lust as craving for least possible physical distance with desire for maximum contact area is more arousing.

With love there is something (usually other one improved something enough) that leads to dedicated care or in extreme cases borderline worshiping behavior towards that person. While target of attraction can switch from one person to another depending on availability love is bit more tied to specific person due to more special role.

Buzzing energy

 

Initial attraction can start through variety of way. Sometimes just because other one looked attractive enough. Other times because of slightly different stimuli like having a lively spark, being pleasant in magical (trance inducing) way, provide some valued pleasant feeling that was missing in life or just plain showing attraction without being disturbing. Basically something that gives glimpse of something pleasant that becomes seed of obsession which grows with help from imagination. Among things to start attraction is to provide nice new future opportunities, help out in beautiful new otherworldly ways etc. Beautiful otherness helps.

The pleasant feeling that is attractive can vary wildly between individuals. Some may want eye candy or deep unusually deep mental/emotional connection or someone tough and strong to take care for them or someone gentle and caring or someone thrilling to spice up the life or give ego boost or someone more romantic or providing sense more pleasant capabilities or higher tier of existence or pleasant reminders of owns human side or someone that can start sexual desire or someone cute and gentle to take care of etc. Or without affection just get a piece of someone elses money, power or fame.

Something that can be common during this energetic state can be the obsessive daydreaming that is busy making plans for life together from choice of home to items in home and how to spend time together in more mundane and usually less sexual way.

Presence of emotional unrest can be good as it pushes to care more and do something about things that trouble or keep things in worse state. Normal driven state might not be enough to overcome some lazy or bad habits but the sharper misery from lovesickness can be powerful enough. During times of attraction creature become driven to show themselves at their peak or from as good quality as possible and such energy helps adjust owns life.

Major part of comfort is not caring. As resting state it is fine but if lack of care about owns problems is more consistent then it can degrade or limit quality of life with improvements stopping. When attraction, infatuation and love starts then comfortable calm ends but on plus side it pushes people to work on themselves as comfortable inactivity stops being an option.

That buzzing energy powers different behaviors and feelings from lust to self improvements as there is increased motivation be as presentable as possible. Some euphoric overly hopeful restless pride and joy mixed with intense insecurity.

Important to not lower self too much due to insecurity when searching for caring and nurturing relationship. Behaving like someone worthless in desperate need of approval may just be repelling or overinflate other ones ego.

For those with bigger egos in those situations this energy might get diverted to proud dominating mindset which can be very cold and uncaring while in situations where other side is seen as more valued the energy gets diverted to more caring and nurturing mindset which softens sense of self.

While this energy is exhausting it has its upsides. It makes people care more and with that they’ll care more about themselves. On other hand loss of relationship with someone to care about can make people let themselves go.

Caringness seems to be the kind of emotion that is either present for multiple people (self+at least one more person) or nobody.

One side effect of this self improvement and liveliness is that it can undermine relationships from external sources as people around see how pleasant and lively someone can be which can make them desire someone like that in their own lives and might motivate them to undermine the relationship.

Soul melt

 

During the intense liking of someone during infatuation there tends to be feeling of soul/psyche softening to the point of melting into something liquid and this tender soft state craves for closeness of the other one seeking to merge as much as possible with someone else while sense of being unable to be close becomes miserable. Many of personal feelings and priorities like pride, dignity, professional drives etc become more trivial. This state starts from infatuation related daydreams and fantasies which dissolve normal typical thinking into more fluid and less sane emotional feverish state that is almost entirety driven to keep the pleasant thoughts going with some motivation to confirm that pleasant daydreams are not delusional but that other person likes you back.

Infatuated daydreams make psyche feel weak and vulnerable which makes daydreams more intense. Loving feelings are more intense when person can drop the rough harsh shell which they likely need among worse and untrustworthy people. Right kinds of emotional music, shyness reduction, increased happiness, confidence and sense of security helps with letting loose to be in this more soft state which can much more deeply enjoy the blissful euphoric ride daydreams or activities provide.

Being happy and shy can be encouraging to others reducing their shyness or adding confidence.

Sense of being likable is major foundation for pleasant daydreams while worse behaviors make those daydreams seem more delusional and hollow. Feelings towards person not stopped by bad behavior either as sense of being unlovable just lets worse motivations towards the person take over.

Likely there will be sense of imbalance from one side being too cold and closed or seemingly so desperate to please that other side closes off due to feeling not worthy of such good treatment. Easy to conclude that someone infatuated with yourself would be severely disappointed if they knew you or that they are so much worse that someone with such problems seem worth worshiping.

This state is somewhat submissive state that is part of the most desirable form of love where there is likely some planning for future life together which could be best for both partners and their children. On downside when such submission is offered to someone who doesn’t care it could lead to cold exploitation as one side gets overeager willing slave while other side gets lots of self loathing, depression and anger along with sense of tortuously isolating emotional walls due to cold distance of one side the loving participant can’t bypass. Additionally the one with softened state is much less likely to desire someone else while the cold confident one with ego increased by servitude might wonder about finding more servants.

As can be expected such soft simple state mainly driven to just go along with ride of pleasures might lead to failures in judgment and decency.

Love

 

For the sake of clarity I consider love separate from attraction and lust which unlike those other 2 takes more time to develop and bit more history with the other person. Usually after feeling the other person has improved life in special way and is often less sexual. Various forms of love could be completely asexual and platonic while others are more sexual trance giving and in case of charismatic leaders closer to worshiping as the leader seems to try to change world in way followers desire.

Love is close to what religions often direct towards some deity but in its more natural state it is directed towards some very special and pleasant person with plenty of religious elements from zeal, dedication, worship (including elevation/glorification of other side and lowering of self), fanaticism, rituals etc mixed in with daily routine revolving around someone else. And like fanaticism it can be maddening with effect on quality of life depending on who gets worshiped.

This worshiping mindset does drive social creatures to help and aid those who seem best in some ways and help usually capable/helpful individuals but it can be both mentally and physically unhealthy as care and resources going towards single individuals might cause lack of care or neglect towards other people. Such harmful love related to idolization could be weakened by showing followers what serious base primitive flaws and twisted behaviors their idol has. A kind of unpleasant sharply saddening feeling can come from apparently amazing, respected, divine or glorious person doing something very base.

Then again this entirely servile and worshipful behavior has its use as part of partner attraction, zealously protecting nest and serve other partner plus later the offsprings.

Love and attraction are unusual biological drives as they push people to be as amazing as possible and put others in trance or under their “spell”. Sometimes they resemble manic madness that yearns to spread itself.

While love and attraction are at times torturous one should remember that evolutionary drives often are uncomfortable and more “concerned” with perpetuation of genes that help creatures be more effective with perpetuating their lineages with little regard for comfort of individuals.

Sometimes good things can come from such feelings that don’t produce offsprings as for example unrequited loved harnessed for inspiration can be very productive and push behavior to higher heights in more magical or rare cases divine direction than physically close love where ideal view of other person might be disrupted by being close to real mundane version of other person and attention/thoughts have to deal with reality. Both types are maddening and disappointing in their own ways.

To increase likelyhood and amount of love in owns life it would obviously be wise to stay away from wrong people and influences. Many people are stuck with terrible people because they don't feel deserving of anyone good or think that anyone who values/appreciates them is delusional and soon very disappointed if they get to know their loved one. This distorted thinking pressures many choose to stay with people that treat them like the trash they consider themselves to be and this usually ends up rewarding worst people. Being emotionally too molten to defy abusers and just wallow in misery makes one seem like broken and controllable playthings for abusers.

Probably most if not all exploiters are uncaring towards others because they don't see anything good or worthwhile in them. Abusers with their activities, knowingly or not, drain their victims from pleasant feelings and leave them in sluggish haze that leaves them easier to dehumanize and even less likely to seek healthy and pleasant relationship.

Some guilt over owns worth is normal. Anyone who has been any good is still going to feel regret over letting others down in the past. One such likely demographic is young people that haven’t done much good due to lack of initiative and skills which might leave them depressed with guilt inducing memories. That's not reason to punish caring good people around by making additional obviously self defeating bad decisions and reward worse people by spending owns limited lifetime with them who will feel their negative views validated as it seems to have earned them a plaything/servant as partner.

 

Seasonality 

 

At least for me in the past ~20 years the timing of those feelings and mindsets seems to follow seasonal cycles. Autumn and early winter are times where I most likely fall in love with thoughts more lustful with peak feelings around november-december. Later in winter and during spring lust and mania start to cool down and turn mentally more calm and caring mindset with hot summertime the being the most passive, tired and calm time. Physical activity and energy usually increases in spring but emotions are number which can add bravery.

Timing of publishing this post was partly for cultural significant time of spring as time for those feelings but also because i wanted to be in this halfway state between winter and summer with extra caringness hopefully making me more careful with what I publish.

 

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Beyond the veil

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Rest of it goes more into details and background about research process.

When attraction had started I found out problem that would make this relationship too problematic but I judged it appropriate for physically distant worthwhile research project which would have been a fine continuation of previously published “fragments of utopia” post. So I let my curiosity deal with this “relationship” from distance without getting close or talking as those kinds of distant feelings are common and helping to overcome those or know what worsens their effects could be helpful in large scale. Extremely for this “relationship” to go anywhere as there would be mutual scariness with feelings along the lines of “HOLY SHIT! WTF?” both for her but also for me as partly I perceive her as the source of this strangeness. Plus the worries about her suppress any flirty/seductive mindset as sadness and guilt can ward off flirty and seductive behaviors.

As part of research I allowed or pushed those feelings to become as intense as I could get them or until problematic side effects and terrible moods became too much and then searched ways to weaken or neutralize those. Mostly it followed sequence of one mood dominating until I found way to control it, then next one took over until I understood and controlled enough and then again next one and so on.

Obsidian seducer 

 

Around the time I found this entity I did notice I seemed to attract more women without trying to do anything different as if my charisma had increased without me noticing until others started to get close to me much more than usual. Still not very clear what is behind all this but suspecting the mixture of being entranced by something and showing subtle awe while also having lively energy.

Of all the entities and realms mentioned in this post it was the one who showed up earliest before even meeting her. Initially got glimpses of tan muscular male with blonde hair that obscured its eyes and it felt to be mild source of confident energy. Few weeks after infatuation started something very similar showed up spontaneously but this time it was in black glassy disc shaped field under starry sky and colorful nebulas. Near middle stood a muscular male entity apparently made of black glass that reflected stars or some dots of lights or few colors. On top of head were short thick black tendrils that cover top of head and eyes are always covered while mouth seems to smirk as with the previous version. Only piece of clothing was strip of “cloth” around as wide as leg starting from waist and reaching down to knees. The strip was covered with texture of more colorful pink and blue clouds and there seemed to be slow waves always traveling from top of the cloth downwards.

Entire realm has some calm trancelike mood and there can be “winds” or “streams” above that carry colorful (mostly white, blue, pink and beige) horizontally stretched cloudlike formations and being in those streams softly wiped away usual thoughts while making immersive daydreams return. There can be soft chills of pleasure as streams of clouds flow through entire realm.

Specialty of this place is just to provide daydreams and fantasies as there doesn’t seem to be much care for sexuality but mostly to keep others too in this pleasant trance which is an addictive desire.

Among side effect of spending time there was that this drive to be more effective at keeping others in this trance there would need to be some work done with self to be more effective with this goal and led to many hours of attentive research into various mundane nonesoteric ways to keep people in happy seductive trance.

Obsidian seducer can be a good influence by “punishing” bad behavior with making those pleasant daydreams much more weak or hollow and less believable as guilty feelings ruin daydreams. Decent or good behavior makes pleasant daydreams more convincing.

Those daydreams are often not sexual but they can be. Mostly they were not directed at any particular person but instead scattered among many decent likable people with different mindsets.

Obsidian seducer doesn't seem to care much about sexual closeness and seems fine with just enjoying the blissful dreamy streams it can create and "bathe" in. This lack of need for what qualifies as sex provides it with wider range of people for those feelings as they could have partners or other obstacles for sexual intimacy. Initially daydreams were with one person but this soul melting effect did start switching other imaginary participants with mostly strangers which helped dilute unneeded obsession with that one person.

Daydreams with obsidian seducer can weaken morals/standards and make presence of partner or large age gap feel more acceptable but this effect seemed almost absent for some like the muse that helped find this and other entities/realms. Additionally decency standards feel more durable with people I know for some time while with strangers standards can drift faster.

There is kind of morally blinding effect that comes with spending time in those cosmic daydream streams that blocks out typical thinking (for better or worse). Even when daydreams stop there is almost rhombus shaped light toned colorful zone where usual thinking should be. It does seem to cause deep calm serenity.

Despite this region being most productive place listed in this text I also left out large amount to not “ruin the magic” by clinically listing specifics. Better and likely more fun to figure out those things within self.

Material resembling obsidian has been most recurring material in my ~10 year experience of inner exploration and seems to be most resilient and stable material. While other textures can easily change depending on mood or thoughts obsidian looking ones stay as they are through all. It is somewhat unsurprising that the only stable structure in the obsidian seducers realm are apparently made of it as those daydream inducing flows and streams dissolve pretty much all other thoughts and mindsets with daydreams stronger when obsidian objects/entities also not thought about.

While this place is good training ground for pleasant trance induction it doesn’t help with many other pleasant behaviors in any kind relationships outside providing dreaminess. This mindset can turn sad and melancholy with absence of anyone to keep in trance.

Sexual desires and trances involve going along with cosmic ethereal energy streams that apparently start from disc shaped source in the realms "skydome". It is an area of space where starry sky transitions smoothly into black bumpy wall and then into slightly colorful largely beige meaty region with writhing tentacles. Energy streams seem to flow away from in perpendicularly to its surface. The disc can be aroused with various arousing thoughts, feelings and sensation among which are plenty of mundane sexually arousing tips. It seems to be most colorful region in obsidian seducers realm.

Almost certain that those who want to be dominated want it because it can send them on blissful ride in this stream of lust and pleasure.

Sometimes this river/stream/aura of sexual energy can be enjoyed by just being close with someone that is desirable. Two people with their behavior creating resonance of it which can tempt them to be closer and closer or just practice this “magical” art. It is restless and anxious but also feels magical and urges behavior to keep it going as this “magic” or trance is very addictive. In hindsight leaving this feeling or feeling cut off from it resembles opioid withdrawal with strong sadness and anxiety while mind is mostly just recalling saddening thoughts that usually only end if there is return to this happy stream.

Being in pleasant physically close relationship is easiest method for most people without esoteric insight to melt away their problems with sense of closeness that is addictive and which they try to sustain by behaving pleasantly with each other.

In general avoiding things that worsen self image and cause anything close to self hatred can increase hold by obsidian seducer as this magical trance seeking mindset is more powerful with good behavior.

This realm contains at least 2 different female looking figures with different seductive styles when I think of different attraction drawing behaviors.

Beast of baphometh 

 

During those daydreamy and often obsessive thoughts I noticed myself one day getting too grumpy, miserable and got impulse to stalk which was unsettling and decided to find the cause.

One basic trick I use for something that has too strong hold on me is to think of horizontal smokey grey tendrils with one set reaching from left edge of visual field towards right side and another set from right edge reaching to left with tips close to each other and have those tendrils sort of rake psyche starting from back of head or center of thoughts quickly moving this tendril rake until it hits dark wall in front or to the right with different moods and mindsets causing appearance of different creatures or things squished against the wall by those tendrils.

In this case it felt like this rake was also pulling black roots or threads from my brain and what was squished against the wall up in front of me looked like ~3-4 meter upper body of goat/horse headed humanoid creature with limbs, skin and lower half of body ripped off. Surface looks bloody and irregular like torn flesh and creatures head was turned towards my left side of visual field with facial expression of eyes squeezed shut and teeth clenched as if in pain. Parts of ribs seemed visible. Lower torso seemed twisted and narrowing like some fleshy cone that was twisted off from lower body. As I grimly stared at it I felt stalky restless misery fade while hate and loathing towards this thing made my psyche reject its influence with revulsion. With such inner demon containment method hate and loathing towards something is what keeps them contained while things I don’t mind let loose like calm curiosity (most commonly raked up thing that resembles group of hovering spheres connected with loose chains or strings) which drift away without hindrance.

Initially I labeled it Baphomet due to similar head shape although it doesn’t seem to have any horns or wings.

Days after containing the entity I got brave enough to “interrogate” the relatively unknown prisoner. As usual by reducing the mental armor composed of hatred, loathing and revulsion towards such entities by being in more indifferent state as the mental effect of prisoner make themselves known and their mental effects radiate and “natural habitats” show up. There was a vision of dark gray twilight sky with a black creature in right edge of visual field that looks like black panther with head of an angry/grumpy looking near horn beast (Paraceratherium). Land is covered by black jagged bare bushes reaching around owns height and observing those cause miserable restless anger. In the sky there gray moonlike sphere but there are short gray tentacles reaching out from its edges.

Mood there was just miserable restless anger without any compassion or care while something resembling sex obsession could be weakly noticed in the short visits into that hellish realm. Shapes of those jagged (kinda like black lightning bolts) “plants” were angering. “Moon” was had its own maddening effect.

Initially labeled the entity beast of Baphomet as it was more feral and animalistic creature related to this captured “Baphomet”.

Occasional short dips into researching baphomet beast in its dark domain made me think that this is the spirit animal of rapists and cold, unhappy but horny animals who rely on attacking other males and raping females. Misery seems to empower it and any activity from mild verbal hostility might be enough to empower this mindset more as angry bitter misery reduces hopes for being lovable.

One terrible likely evolutionary backup driver to breed is the switch from caring mindset not getting approval shift into much more uncaring and selfish desire to find partner just for gratification.

Idea of relation ending or not getting far enough does empower this miserable grumpy possessive mindsets which explain why women would become afraid of rejecting and dealing with those ugly impulses which are opposite of seductive mindset but still driven to mate like some ancient nightmarish evolutionary legacy lurking in psyche to increase chance of producing offsprings if charm and pleasantness is inadequate.

Since capturing beast of baphomet there seems to be lack of negative response to feeling that someone very likable is not going to be my partner as now i don't "let go" of my standards and there was odd serenity with those realizations.

Initially I wondered if this entity would also get censored (mainly due to obvious harm to my reputation) or omitted like some other parts but left it in as harsh cautionary reminder of possible mindset that can awaken when attraction is involved. It is a miserable mindset and revulsion towards it can help snap out of its effects. It was easy to control it as within hours of noticing bad attitude I had it contained while with some other feelings I struggled with over a month. Plus most adults have likely witnessed or experienced signs of this mindset. I’ve witnessed even women turn very hostile when I don’t go along with flirting although for me it wasn’t scary due to strength difference unlike for similar situations for girls or women when men become angry after charm fails. Instead of awareness towards this twisted ancient mindset many abusers are surrounded by bad influence that justify the anger towards other side through some hostile “reasoning” and victimblaming.

It can be appealing to revel in pleasant daydreams but this entity is reminder of what feeling might lurk in people and in case of wrong people lash out horribly.

Containing that mindset was oddly productive moment as other entities became easier to observe, including obsidian seducer who had been showing up in daydreams occasionally but after containing the beast I noticed much more clearly what that obsidian entity contributed and could spend hours daydreaming there. 

 

Grey tentacle

 

Throughout the experience I did find some relief from unwanted lust, excess daydreaming to loneliness through just having corroded silvery sparkling tentacle move into sources of those feelings/visions from right edge of visual field and have light around it turn to darkness although it was crude solution that sometimes felt so cold that I countered effects by deliberately restoring my mood.

 

Sedation zone

 

After containing beast of baphomet realized she had help find and capture something significant which altered mood towards her. Instead of restless emotional daydreamy state response upon seeing her it flipped overnight into strong calm still serenity which felt really close to some narcotic sedation although effects did fade with varying speeds into bit more restless withdrawal state which was unneeded.

And all it took for this high was to be aware that "yep, she is there" and doing fine. Quickly tried to map out all the mental sources of this narcotic high and it looks bit like column of pink fibers looking V shaped if looked from above with the converged part at neck bones or back of mouth around the height of upper half of neck.

Within few hours felt some restless withdrawal from that sedation and realized I need to control it to not get different type of stalkiness. Withdrawal ended after seeing sort of black/dark green organic cross shape above the pink fibers and something slowly flowing down seemed to return to more neutral state without sedation nor withdrawal. Price of pleasant daydreaming about being with someone causes those intense narcotic high and withdrawal mood swings. Luckily the "cross" above narcotic zone quickly balances the mood.

Feels like form of platonic love that suppresses libido lower than normal. It did start after jailing baphomet and gaining lots of sympathy towards her although from a grim sad angle due to knowing how accidental her contribution in this entire maddening mess has been. It is more intense than the cozy "old couple" feeling which is located nearby but lower and wider kinda like dark red or almost black sparkly pixelated magical flames. Those flames feel nurtured by caring behavior and small gestures but likely needs people to have similar enough attitudes and values for goodness and worthwhile gestures.

This narcotic sedation doesn't seem to rely on closeness that much. Being very close or in physical contact might flip to more passionate mindset.

That deep bliss seems to be a seeking drive. It is driven to know where someone pleasant is as it calms when finding that one in safe decent conditions but can be agitating when not aware where someone is or if someone that was noticed is actually that specific person.

The sedating and addictive coziness that comes with being aware of someone close enough in ok state seems to be driver left by evolution to be in general area or protective with someone, who is precious in some way. It could be something that keeps young creatures addicted to presence of their parents/caregivers or parents/carers addicted to knowing where their kids are all the time with anxiety if someone is lost but return of happy calm if they are found in good state.

        

Soul consistency spire

 

While struggling with sad semi-molten soft soul looked for the source of this feeling. Got vision of black sludge/tar filled warm round swampy pit where middle part seemed slightly lower but in there was a soft cone shaped structure. Entire place felt miserable and warm of hot in way that mainly makes sadness, anguish and lack of motivation worse.

Then thought of moving wave of chilly coldness under the surface of this black soul sludge and through the spire which turned entire place light grey/blue with sense of mental strength close to fanaticism felt from this altered version. The small (around person height) cone shape looked more straight and slightly taller in this state. Seeing armored knights around it with backs towards it empowered this version and moved daydreams into more heavenly realms (white clouds, golden lightbeams and buildings largely white/beige plus golden) with nice gazebos and buildings and cityscapes if view moves upwards above this spire. After being in miserable weakened tormented state and leaving it into those places refreshes clarity and drive. This could push people into more religious type behavior.

Have been using this method to fix/harden unwanted molten soul and weakened willpower as it can add enough drive to loath passivity and laziness. On other hand during soul softening music there is sight of something fluid slowly flowing/falling into tip of this spire and entire region turns again darker and softer.

 

Blue buffalo

At times of confidently working on some projects or sense of being powerful it is easier for feelings of attraction to form.

While checking into psyche during that hasty energy I occasionally got visions of green sunny valley under bright sun and on left edge of visual field there was something resembling blue water buffalo. Occasionally something close to bovine howls could be sense during stronger waves of this energy.

This realm seems to be one of the sources for impulses to “take” partner in pleasant animalistic way. Some women might try to increase passion in partners by making them feel strong and powerful which feeds this mindset but it has downside of causing huge selfish ego and tendency for attraction to drift from one person to another.

Downside of this mindset is tendency for standards to drift and deviancies to get stronger hold due to less care about what others think. Those problems can worsen during hot weather when thinking and emotions are further suppressed.

Grey jellyfish

Before getting feelings for main muse I had some attraction to someone else who moved elsewhere but soon attention and attraction got moved over to new person. During that change I had vague fuzzy visions of something sort of spherical with thin soft tendrils wrapping around idea of a person after leaving idea of previous person. After that started the more obsessed and manic infatuation with vivid colorful daydreams.

Later when she moved elsewhere my obsession wilted and as usual mind started being more randomly attracted to random women around but that drifting attraction happened around time I found the blue buffalo which was causing semimindless primal lust. During this time I started getting increasingly clear vision of what looked like evenly grey round opaque soft sphere with thin tendrils around it. Overall it kinda looked like the “moon” in the realm of beast of baphomet or the top view of Moon jelly (Aurelia labiata) but with thicker tendrils.

As it wraps itself around idea of a person it morphs into black almost chisel shaped item with obsidian texture. Within it are blobs of dim but vivid colors and being closer to those morphs them into dim but vividly colorful visions and emotional daydreams of being in presence of that person.

While analyzing the blue buffalo mood i sensed the grey jellyfish tear itself loose from her after separation had weakened attachment and daydreams become more grey, weaker and washed out both in colors and feelings

At some point I deliberately lured this entity off her towards some random strangers nearby with some absurd happy daydreams of life together with them despite not knowing them nor likely not meeting them again.

After seeing her after those lessons with this jellyfish I felt surprisingly unaffected but i did see grey jellyfish starting to drift again. This time I held it in place as darkness below it, shaped like skinny hand and with sharp fingers, grabbed hold of it and held it harshly in place while i grimly stared at this thing as if telling it is not going anywhere.

Since then feelings have been surprisingly serene with obsessions towards individual persons blocked by deliberately keeping required feelings aimless enough swirling in grey sphere and keeping it away from mental representations of anyone. Somewhat grim to think what it took to have this much emotional control and how easy it is to seem like a lunatic for knowing or using those mental trick to actually not be crazy due to emotions. 

Weightless room

Place that seems involved in caressing daydreams and fantasies.

It resembles a black empty room where people and humanoid entities are illuminated almost as if they are in daylight as they hover weightlessly. They seem dressed in mixture of usual clothes and semitransparent chiffon-like clothes. Sometimes they and their clothes look like they are made of smoke which is light grey, white or greish light blue. This smokey appearance is common when they get close, otherwise they look like some brightly colored character on the ceiling of Sistine Chapel with their hovering weightless clothes. As for their activites they usually do some slow flowing dance or slowly sweep across the body of someone else which feels like getting touched even if both participants are away. During contact both participant have more smokey appearance with toucher having one arm reached as it calmly and slowly sweeps across anothers body with its pointer finger or fingertips. Movements are usually in straight brushing lines repeating over same place light as if imitating waves at the beach, moving in some direction while having smaller sine wave like movements to left or right from its direction and sometimes just spiraling movements around some parts. After thinking of this place for while it can start feeling like being caressed by couple of those entities as they knowingly sweep across places (precise locations vary by mood) that relax mentally and physically or instead build pleasant tensions.

Phoenix chick

Loosely babybird shaped formation assembled from different transparent colored flames with face looking sideways and diagonally up with wings also ~diagonally upwards. As a bird formed of fires I just labeled it phoenix although it looks like a baby bird variant of that. It seems to be sign of attention seeking that gets manic energy from it. General attention seeking mindset which can cause impulse to be louder and physically raise arms while also facing bit more upwards.

This chick seems to be at the heart of many attention seeking mentalities. Including the intoxication from other trying to keep self high with pleasant behavior, usual mundane happiness giving attention and sexual tension.

It can be intoxicating and addictive manic state which can in worse cases ruin life by harmful attention seeking and self promoting which can be worse if chasing that high through many people. Some people are dangerous and trying to get attention of random ones can put self in danger.

Chasing the addictive mutual sense of intoxication can lead to this entity become more visible during sort of withdrawal from lack of that high as if it begs for more attention like some hungry baby bird.

When those who gave pleasant sense of attention give that same attention to other people then jealousy turns it into more rough and grumpy angrily shaking older bird covered in heavy tarry black substances in place surrounded by black spiky twitchy tendrils that point vertically upwards.

Barbarians cave

In place that looks like white stone cave there is a white white smooth flat stone slab that reaches from one end of the wall to other side going up vertically around knee high and then horizontal towards back wall. On that slab sits a muscular confident and slightly menacing looking male figure that is partly dressed in dark brown furs. It has furry booths reaching ~halfway to knees, furry loincloth/skirt-like think around its waist, some furry wrapping around wrist regions and pale headband visible over its forehead which sometimes has horns reaching out from sides of head. With horns the entire figure is much darker. Hair (which are brown but lighter than furry parts) seem straight or slightly wavy and at least shoulder length, no beard and rest of body seems hairless. It exudes somewhat crude confident mentality that is driven towards things like ripping off the clothes and getting personal sexual gratification with little regard to others.

Grey seducer

Entity that gradually emerged around month after finding obsidian seducer. Of all the listed entities in this post it is the slowest one to activate or deactivate with possibly days needed to awaken or completely deactivate it. Every part of this entity is light grey as is the background which is darker grey. It carries a narrow grey sword in its right hand. It’s appearance is that of a slender majestic entity that is not quite human looking as is very close to a creature copyrighted by a litigious company that often uses and copyrights models derived from entities of psyche so I don’t want to be very specific. On its face is expression of sighing from relief, desire and sensuality as it faces towards observer. It has smooth graceful feel and the intoxicating trance it causes movements to be calmer and more smoothly flowing with optimal attention and energy to share this intoxicating feeling with others. It has confidence and sense of power but is much not animalistic and much more magically trance giving. Thoughts and plans resemble fluid that avoids resistances and smoothly flows towards paths with least resistance seeing parts of psyche according to what has been learned about inner world as it somewhat easily senses active dimensions and entities of soul inside others.

The way it sees psyches is somewhat differently. After initial responses it automatically sees kind of map that resembles smooth round rocks partly out of some liquid and this entire grey "puddle" is vertical in front of it instead of horizontal as gravity would make it be. The rocky parts show responses that were signs of contempt or other avoidant responses but the more fluid parts are topics without resistance. This mentality is drawn to turn all the parts soft through seducing until other ones soul melts which seems to give this mindset relief and bliss as if bathing in cozy fluid formed of other person molten soul even when aware that it can disrupt mental wellbeing of others (which is partly reason why i avoid this attitude). It seeks core of soul and introduce magical otherworldliness until intoxicating unexpected feelings melts soul. It doesn't do it for getting sexual partners and instead of anything resembling flirting it sticks to some majestic otherworldly princely behavior. While such mindset could be used as tool for more ambitious mindsets it itself doesn't have any grand plans besides basically chasing intoxication it gets when it intoxicates others. The otherworldly intelligence with which it does that obscures its simple desires.  

Possible involvement of endocannabinoid system

In several ways infatuation and loving state can resemble being high. Personally it mostly resembles cannabis effects with less side effects. What is present in both states is that emotions are stronger, brain feels sort of isolated from wider surrounding and stuck in bubble of daydreams and fantasies that get more vivid than usual. Consciousness is more narrowed and contained in fuzzy haze as if it wrapped in something fluffy that shields awareness of many usual worries. Emotionally it can be restless and volatile period while at same time physically not very active and stuck in place with those thoughts. Short term memory is weakened in either case but during infatuation it is more selective about what is forgotten as this state suppresses thoughts, plans and short term memories that were not about person of interest.

In both cases this sedating daydreaming bubble can be so addictive that risk taking behaviors might increase. On one side risks from using cannabis illegally and in other cases risking with for example jealous partner. In extreme cases this sedating bubble with weakened memory might make some willing get together with someone violent even though they already got beaten by same person but this calming stoned state keeps them thinking that things are in their place.

This high state can come from love and infatuation but also many other situations which might be involved with formation of attraction.

Often this feeling can come from being in presence of something powerful. It can be from presence of strength and power but also from majestic grace. Sometimes this cozy bubble comes from being cared for and tenderness but also from intense experiences or flirtiness and playfulness.

This escapist intoxicating bubble can be the main stabilizing mental state for some people that keep them from getting overwhelmed by negative emotions from despair to maddening anger.

Many different paths lead to achieving this bubble but past memories might influence which paths are closed as some have too much self criticism to accept care while others would be terrified or disturbed by roughness.

There is a colorful mostly round but irregular large white room or semitransparent valley in psyche which has been useful with getting those thoughts as it seems to relate to intoxicating inner fire of others. On those distant walls are transparent colorful flames whose colors, shapes, precise locations and movements depend on what feeling caused sense of being high. The cozy high state can happen if thinking of people being pleasantly fun, powerful, driven, in control, playful, orderly, calmingly caring, funny, pleasantly passionate and so on as all those seem to feed those distant flames and wrap mind in cozy state. It’s like their inner fire lights those flames in souls of others even as they (or me) replay those memories of them behaving in certain way.

The stoned feeling passes in presence of less firey people who are more burnt out, passive, apathetic or weak willed. In the case of those people the feeling is colder, harsher and more soberminded. Additionally presence of such people suppresses attention they receive which can help with some stealthiness. It usually takes some inner fire to be noticeable/memorable as a person and without it attention fades faster. One way to draw less attention is to be tired without any firey or lively emotions which can help with stealthiness but it won’t help those who might get predatory attention from those who might think someone behaving tired is weak willed and easy prey. Mostly it helps hide from other tired people who are drawn to more lively people that make them too feel more lively.

Mainly people seek people who draw their attention with liveliness and pleasant inner fire and through that give them pleasant calming intoxicating states that gives feeling of life being in right place.

 

Red tower

  

This region feels involved in bonding, visual imagination, fantasies, daydreams of life together but also in suffering from jealousy/abandonment.

If someone creates daydreams of building life together with them then it can give visions of organic dark red column around which those intoxicating daydreams fly around. But if persons rejects and chooses someone else then this column seems to be source of mental torment. Kinda like fantasies lose their foundation.

From couple years ago remembered black chicken or birdlike entities being signs of jealousy but these birds felt somewhat close to core structure/entity of jealousy while not being central sources of those feelings.

While thinking of this feeling and those birds I got new vision of a blood red tower where foreground had black 4 birdlike formations. While tower is relatively consistent the birds themselves are so distorted that they can seem closer to black twitchy overlapping asterisk symbols. Leftmost is closer what these usually look like in wider view but other shows what they can look if I get closer to those and observe from different angles. They do seem to have something resembling shadows which is unusual for visions of inner world. Tower starts suddenly from some horizontal height and resembles rough bundle of partly braided dark red blood vessels with 4 vessels having tips that resemble cut blood vessels. Regions around this bundle seems to house mental rooms with sensual and sexual daydreams and fantasies taking place in vividly colorful but dimly lit cozy intoxicating rooms. Some simpler mundane daydream bubbles also seem to be located there. Top is flatter area with 2 longer red parts rising on sides but middle part has light blue glow that sometimes is almost missing, sometimes resembles dome, sometimes shaped like upwards pointing trumpet or filling entire upper part of vision proportionally to intensity of visual daydreams. Light blue region houses much larger scale fantasies/daydreams involving home, career, activities, relatives and possible lifetimes through decades.

Another person showing interest in self activates daydreams of what life would be like together and help judge future on those limited potentially delusional visions. Pleasant future visions are typically through a drunken/drugged euphoric haze and mania. Mental resilience to attachment and red tower daydreams is much higher if someone trying to seduce seems too flawed and there is feeling "i could get someone better".

This impulse to imagine life together seems to be primal mindset people are born with. People don’t have to learn how to imagine life together with someone else. Spontaneously it just starts happening as sort of judging system how life would probably be like with this person. With some people those thoughts lead quickly from negative initial impression to stronger repulsive negative attitude but positive first impression can snowball into intense immersive daydreams if they seem pleasant and lead to fantasies of time spent together. Daydreams can be sexual but also platonic if for example seeking recognition, companionship, fame or status. It may be one of the most complex mental impulse/drive that people are born with. Usually daydreams may be something simple like thinking what to eat or get shelter but with this impulse brain starts spontaneously and quickly playing visions soaked with emotions about various years or entire lifetimes together depending on how things have been recently.

This tower also seems involved with other daydreams like which jobs to get or what to spend free time on. Pleasant dreams are more immersive and lure into similar fantasies. This drive to imagine future does apply to jobs and home selection but they might be sort of superficial overlays for daydreams of relations as those visions tend to still involve some partner(s). For example daydreams of getting money, power or improving owns appearance to win over mate and it applies both for monogamous or polyamorous dreamers. Superficially fantasies can be about money, prestige and appearance but at the core those are usually fueled by desire to win over someone very appealing.

Very sudden change happens if something happens that proves that relationships or plans won't happen or are ending. It can be from crush rejecting or partner cheating or relationships ending unexpectedly and in milder cases from plans getting rejected like failing some entrance exam or job application that used to give lots of hope. It causes sort of deep collapsing feeling as if world on which daydreams existed collapsed while usual intoxicating mental landscapes lose their light and supporting foundation. While viewing the tower during that event there is visual of grey line going across it diagonally (oriented kinda like clock at 10:20) and image suddenly turns into chaotic hot grey fog with sudden sense of emptiness and collapse downwards.

That collapse unleashes many miserable feelings as if portal opens into primal jealous hell which is combination of abandonment, sense of worthlessness, contemptuous anger, loathing of self and the other person (plus the one they chose over self). Maybe close to 100% of people get to experience this hell but only tiny fraction does something violent towards self or others. More likely there might be some angry remarks.

Those emotions are mostly controllable although miserable heat and distraction stays for couple days. As part of research I didn’t try to suppress those feelings as they formed. I wanted to get all the data I could out of those places so it might leave misleading impression i couldn't control those.

Collapse of red tower does cause very unjustified sense of worthlessness which can be ridiculously intense considering what caused it and for people with low self esteem it can be dangerous plus it is going to burden motivation. Loss of motivation is likely side effect and it will be much harsher and destructive for those who don’t know how to motivate themselves beyond the common motivating instinct to show off their qualities to potential partner(s).

This collapsed state releases some primal demons and such event likely years ago led to introduction with “beast of baphomet” but it wasn’t alone as there are other dangerous entities that gain power during such times. Mildest of them might be sense of abandonment and sadness but much depends on particular person if any of those are going to harm self or others.

While those feelings are controllable it is somewhat concerning what is happening in society. It is sort of common behavior to flirt almost unselectively but it can sabotage other side if it leads to daydreams of lives together that get crushed by reality. This seems to be example of inner emptiness or misery of flirty side leading to other people getting tortured but spreading this torture can be addictive as the person causing it is fueled by feelings of attraction, love and being sexy/desired.

This sense of worthlessness, abandonment and contemptful anger (proportions of those vary wildly depending on details) could also be common among those who cause them and/or have many parallel partners who try to keep options open and not settle down. It can be a hellish miserable cycle to keep on chasing superficial relationships with easy access to bodies with quick attachment from sex but followed by sense of worthlessness from them all as they keep looking for someone better. This worthless feeling could be biological way to force humans and other creatures to rethink their behavior and seek ways to improve choices although unfortunately in human society it could easily lead to using alcohol or other substances which wont improve anything and likely make the hellish path feel more tolerable and unescapable.

Being messed up by turbulent relationships is risky in proportion to responsibilities and power. For powerless desperately lonely nobodies it is less risky although even then worst case scenarios can lead to loss of life/lives. Comparing disruption of a nobody vs someone with serious power is like comparing being drunk at home during unemployment vs being drunk while working in air traffic control. First case is much less likely to kill someone but a drunk/distracted air traffic controller might cause death of the ones they guided along with people below on whom the aftermath of mistakes might rain upon. And the surviving victims of those catastrophic mistakes might take out their anger on the powerful person along with whoever distracted them so badly.

Many powerful people are riskier in unusual ways and many of them can be hiding which makes random flirting comparable to walking on minefield.

Dangers also apply with longer term couples where one might gain huge responsibility as they climb social ladder or in their career while other side might seek out new passions from elsewhere which will sabotage life of ambitious types that happened to get attached with promiscuous types.

Being obsessive is major part of jealousy and obsessive personality of powerful people leads them far but also adds some vulnerability that could be manipulated through hot and cold dynamics or cheating which disrupt their functionality.

This weakness in human leadership is one among many that has existed since ancient times but unlike other problems it has been somewhat ignored or unknown. What is important to remember is that messing with this red tower awakens some seriously hopeless, malicious, cruel and violent impulses which among most people might lead to at most a suicide or murder of cheater (plus the one cheated with) or murder-suicide. For dictators that control armies there is risk they might hurt thousands or millions as those violent cruel vengeful feelings flood their psyche and they get to use much destructive weapons or methods to vent their miserable anger.

As small sidestep I don’t have negative attitude towards the person that caused those feelings and revelations. Probably many people could be grateful for her for contributions to helping expose destabilizing effects in human psyche and feel some protective feelings towards her because of that. Besides powerful people might get knowledge to protect their sanity along with their domains thanks to her contribution which might help with her protection as well.
Situation has been unfairly harsh for her even before i showed up in her life. She seems too bitter, undiplomatic and self absorbed for the large scale attention that might be coming into her life. She needs to win over large crowds fast to provide her with protection and wide range of other support. All of which depend on her ability to win people over. Not in my interest for any harm (both from emotional and cold pragmatic viewpoint) but she is unlikely to accept advice from person that rambles about her unleashing some beast of baphomet or murderous impulses within him. Obviously it makes me a sketchy source for life advice. On other hand seeming crazy has been my deliberate calculated default self expression and public relations strategy for over a decade.

By improving diplomacy skills and ability to win over people in large scale she could get supporters to keep unwanted people away (including me along with others from her past that bother her) and get those supporters and protectors much faster than through one on one pleading or convincing. Attention should be given to how best with over crowds while appealing to all genders and age groups. Including people who can be more intelligent or perceptive so they could see through fake or manipulative behaviors.

Those tips are something that multiple people in my life should consider even if they are distant acquaintances who have been introduced to those weird lessons. Attention is just more likely to be more intense and unique towards the muse.

With that addressed back to more “technical” and boring part. In state of collapsed red tower I tried seeking ways to restore mood and mental functioning. First source for miserable tension seem around chest height to left of my body and slightly frontwards. It looked like a short horizontal grey stream of energy flowing towards me but hitting a wall that scatters the flow. This scattering seems to cause misery from crushed hopes and dreams. Meanwhile start of that stream seem to be from addictive thoughts and daydreams that started the daydreams but in this condition they get destroyed almost as soon they form which is mentally torturous. During this state visual imagination is very dim and suppressed.

What heals and calms from this disruption is by observing it from another angle (diagonally down) as it flows from right to left. The grey stream itself seems to have cylindrical cross section and is about as high and wide as it is long kinda like it is 20 cm in all direction with surface comparable to water as it exits dams at high pressure. Then imagined myself barely touching its topmost surface with top of my hand. This contact had calming rationality improving effect that helps with motivation. There is also refreshing cooling feeling with some light (mostly light blue) returning to visual imagination although initially imagination is mostly showed bluish empty fields and valleys. As i repeated touching that short visible part of stream through ~30 minutes it calmed and started to hollow out from top resembling a green valley, which if looked, expands far beyond this tiny stream. The visions i got it overtook the previous miserable darkness with grey stream.

In this state i tried thinking about of good decent people who i have neglected due to various obsessions and have them as source of daydreams.

This stream seems specialized to providing fantasies but obsession activates it extra intensely and concentrates it to single topic. This stream can be "unpacked" into visions and daydreams but those daydreams and fantasies have tendency to get focused into intense obsessive thoughts depending on how happy these fantasies feel which in turn suppresses thoughts about anything else. Ethereal landscapes getting reformed into intoxicating narrow minded obsessive fantasies. If those daydream become hopeless they should be scattered again as otherwise they leave stressful inner turmoil and darkness kinda like having thoughts be in unpleasantly warm stream.

This stream has potential beyond those adaptions. It could help overcome old ruined hopes and daydreams which can be helpful in changing dreams during changes in life.

Although previous stream also helped with emotional side it was weak. After asking about what helps with emotional side I got vision of there being another grey formation under the previous visual imagination related stream. Lower one is ~twice as long but narrow resembling white or light grey snake and it moves kinda like snake without tail or head visible as if only snakes middle part of it is visible while it travels or writhes. Caressing that formation with top of my hand helped with the restless feeling and sort of resetted physical comfort and joy.

One surprising side effect of towers collapse is that it made physically less attractive people feel much more attractive as they give less fears about endless competition with other men.  Including those who pretty much express not having hopes to ever get any partner or physical relationship. Intensely increased loneliness and lowered self esteem from collapsed tower have their own effect on such changes in partner selection. Daydreams with life together with someone like that started haunting me stronger and they felt mentally healing against collapsed tower as it reawakened daydreams with new people who were not living in he name of attracting the most men they could. This kind of soul healing is relatively obvious. It restores vision of active red tower so that this boiling hell portal closes back up and happy visions are less likely to be disturbed by jealous worries about every phone message or call or secretive time away being part of maintaining some other option.