Mental map book

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


Pregabalin is mainly described as blocker of calcium channel and its effects could affect the release of every neurotransmitter due to all neurons i know using calcium for nerve impulses and for releasing neurotransmitters. It is very different from GABA agonists like benzodiazepines in sense it feels way more stimulating and it has never caused me memory loss even with several glasses of alcohol.
It also makes me feel unusually lively, strong, rested and agile. I feel more in control of my body and reflexes seem almost inhumanly good even if i slip on ice.
Other major difference is that it is absorbed very slowly and takes about 1 hour to start working unlike other substances that can be felt in minutes like alprazolam. 

To shortly sum up my personal experience with pregabalin: 150 mg capsule takes away most problems and shame. 300 mg keep away fear of death even on scarier days. I could often think about it but this fear feels constantly kinda far away. 450 mg help against many stressors (like worrying about death, school, employment etc) in one day making these look kinda far away. I never needed to go over that. Also during worst of opiate withdrawals 2-3 capsules could remove almost every symptom except restlessness as both cause it.
Happiness if pregabalin isn't very different from happiness from calming cannabis or opiates but unlike others it keeps muscles feeling strong and motivation high. Also withdrawal is way milder compared to happiness it caused. Luckily during withdrawal thinking is too tired and forgetful to think negative thought while quitting cannabis and opiates cause lots of intense memorable unpleasant thoughts as their initial effect blocked thinking during much of happy phase with hazy memory. Anyway i haven't used opiates for at least over month. Even 1 dose of that caused week of sad flu like depression like week long use so doesn't seem worth even 1 dose. Opioids seem to have some of the worst pleasure to withdrawal ratio i have ever experienced and that made it easiest to quit among these 3.

It is my favorite sedative and stimulant at same time and the only drug i know that is good for both of these applications. Almost all the articles in my blogs were written with pregabalin enthusiasm (i don't need any praise or cheer-leading to keep this enthusiasm). While it works i could get fascinated with anything including studying about mucus or diarrhea and in some cases it helps to stumble upon significant discoveries. If i look overly interested about something then it is probably due to pregabalin not me pretending to be fascinated. 

It is good at reducing pain. Mostly pain feels weaker and more distant. Near the elbow of my right arm there is still semicircular scar from the day i tested if it hurts after also drinking glass of champagne. I squeezed my nails in arm with almost no pain and noticed almost all nails caused bleeding. After that i didn't test anymore. Also it reduces sense of temperature. I went to swimming in about 20-25 C sea and i didn't shiver like usual when waves reached pelvic area or stomach or chest or head or when waves went over head. I could casually walk that far without usual sense of coldness. Summer heat waves feel also more tolerable. Showering is comfortable even if water feels cool but during withdrawal it is easy to feel unbearable cold or heat and water has to be on very specific temperature.

I think this drug has teached me enough significant stuff for tens of pages long article but it is difficult to recall all these things in one day.

It makes learning about unpleasant topics easier because if it starts working then it usually removes troubling thoughts within hours. I wonder how many other people got additional bravery from this drug. This could possibly influence how likely people are going to risk for better life.

Mostly it feels like a slow and steady stimulant that doesn't exhaust very fast due to relaxed muscles and peaceful mood with almost automatic emotionless desire to keep doing something constructive. It doesn't stimulate heart much. For example my sober blood pressure is about 80/140 mmHg but pregabalin lowers it about 10-20%. Effects are more clear with pulse which is usually 90 bpm since maybe middle school and now only gets that high after more than 30 hours without re-dosing. With this my pulse slows down to almost consistent 60 bpm and stays like that even if i stay active. Even if i see something really disturbing or embarrassing i can still feel heart work at 60-70 bpm. I've even been in arguments where other side gets very emotional but i stay calm and bored looking even though internally i usually feel more alive and emotional than while sober. Face muscles seem one of the few things that almost stop working. Tongue feels softer and clumsy with weaker voice and fuzzier pronunciation. Head and upper body tend to be more active than usual and voluntary movements look like they get some intensity added to them so walking can look almost jumpy so i usually take it after i don't plan to go out on that day anymore. Some people ask if i took amphetamine but i've never tried it nor cocaine or MDMA. Users of these drugs look way more energetic than i do with pregabalin. As main differences compared to these pregabalin doesn't seem to cause much shaking, muscles look limper, skin is dry with reduced sweating, salivary glands work almost normally, eyes get bit drier, body temperature actually falls by about 1 C, food feels better than usual, sleeping is easier than usual, my jaw muscles are relaxed and i don't grind my teeth unlike meth or MDMA users. Also it causes asexual mood with porn being less interesting although it still takes willpower to not have orgasm in 24 hours. Sometimes the extra motivation it gives tempts to watch porn.

I've had pregabalin (mostly 150 mg capsules) since 2007 and since then i've used over a kilo of that. Maximum effects are felt with about 300-450 mg and additional amounts don't change much. Largest overdose i know was supposedly 15 grams of pregabalin without very dangerous side effects. My own record was about 1 gram (2008 spring i think) in day after seeing from erowid that this looks safe. I felt it for maybe 50 hours but effects were with usual intensity. During that evening i walked to downtown area and sat on bench for maybe 15 minutes feeling extremely content and having a strong "future is now" feeling. Main thing with high dose is that attention keeps endlessly shifting from one thing to another so i can't concentrate easily for 10 seconds on one thing.  Following day was nice and because it makes me attached to characters in shows. In that day i watched "Breaking Bad" for first time from 7 PM to 3AM due to lack of sleepiness and for caring more about problems of imaginary characters.

"Hug of an angel"

That's the nickname to pregabalin experience i still think it is most appropriate description to its subjective effects. "Warm bath" and "cuddling bubble/fog" could also suit this feeling.
Angelic because i felt if there was virtual reality experience available for virtual paradise then this mood would be quite appropriate. Also because it felt kinda inhumanly helping. Often i feel like heaviness of body and life are removed with unusual sense of strength flowing through body. Internal discussions start spontaneously while i look very happy and i often start to lip-sync my thoughts when i become distracted enough with my thoughts like there were best friends around. I often worry that actual people around me confuse my mood with being interested in them with this weird manic mood where every detail of their lives is interesting enough for questioning. Sleepiness almost disappears even at 4-9 AM or when i get only 4 hours of sleep. Motivation and enthusiasm become frozen in almost manic state and bad thoughts fade away quickly restoring this chemically frozen mood (like with other drugs mood stays stubbornly in certain limits). Imagination feels stronger and while sensory neurons feel bit inhibited it seems to compensate by giving feeling of becoming more awaken in thoughts. When i first started this drug i noticed few hallucinations that were always nice and during good mood (least disturbing drug for hallucinations i know). For example in start i saw mosaic patterned characters playing drums while closing eyes during music. When i imagined landscapes with hills the hills also got covered by square colorful tiles that look unusually bright for imagination. Also i noticed i could imagine huge scenes like imagining crowds of brightly colored people. Other times i saw flowery patters growing. Once i saw some waterfall fall onto hovering rock and view of this scene kept rotating slowly. I usually start seeing these with 450 mg minimum even if i used to take 300mg daily for weeks. Easiest way to hallucinate is to imagine flower like tulip and automatically this vision starts to emit flower petals in all directions. Dreams tend to be also very relaxing and harder to remember than usual although withdrawals can cause some scary restless dreams. Also i tend to wake up with baggier eyes and more tired look if i take it like it interfered with sleep to some extent while other muscles feel rested. 

Memory feels better than while sober and it even reduces memory problems from cannabis. I tend to remember times during pregabalin much more clearly than while sober with flashbacks to loving emotions it used to give.

It felt like 12-24 hour hug since 2007 and it still feels like it. I consider it "hug" in sense it feels like something soft, warm and pleasant is under my skin with pleasant caressing waves that i feel around and inside my bones. Waves usually move away from brain and spine starting in head. Music gives goosebumps much more easily. In few occasions it got so good i called it flirting with angel as occasionally it gave breathing rhythm people get during sex (imagining soft slow waves on any part of body is kinda sexual like some sexual pleasure center in brain doesn't discriminate between body parts). I think it would be great help for old lonely people so they would feel less pain and gives a feeling of being around awesome individual. It can easily work 12 hours per day every day years in row. I have had over 10 000 hours to think about this feeling and seems like this mood can spread to other people if i word it clearly enough. It seems like giving visions of huge awesome dreamscapes gives feeling of being in awe of something huge and admirable with slow feeling of some wind or wave slowly pushing me in gentle and pleasant way. Shows about religion and universe use similar tactics by painting huge mental images that give pleasant sense of being small thing near something awesome. Clearly understandable parts work best and parts with confusing descriptions and grammar mistakes can reduce that feeling. Often i feel that if i leave out familiar parts by not mentioning parts of physics i knew for long time then it is easy to get a more alien and less familiar flowing feeling from that text. I check how these texts work for me by trying different wordings and slowly build up text that is hopefully satisfying for some days and if i learned a lot of new stuff then i usually am.
Mood is similar to pleasant nostalgia and i can get nostalgically attached to random new places i visit under its influence while completely aware that this drug is source of this love. This makes moving to new houses easy as within 24 hours i feel like i have spent some heavenly time there for long time. Sometimes i "paint" parts of my hometown with pregabalin mood in predictable way. If i visit place i don't remember being in before and if i was on pregabalin then even if i sober up i keep getting reminders of its mood and miss that part of town due to the nice feeling it gives when i think of it even years after the walk. Sometimes when i walk again to those places i could get almost teary eyed happiness. Like flashbacks to heaven.

I think pregabalin could teach people how it feels to love and be loved as some awful people don't seem to appreciate it. Things is this feeling of love is so intense i often get tears of admiration when i take more of it than usual and i know at least one other user that sounded almost weepy in praising someone else like i sometimes do when pregabalin reaches maximum intensity. I imagine this could avoid murders in long term if people used that instead of ethanol. Especially considering how well these memories and attitudes preserve.

Effects of pregabalin on sensory neurons were very surprising and inconsistent for different stimuli. Light seems bit dimmer although my pupils could be twice as large (common side effect), sounds are average but noises and tastes are most different. Things smell and taste better and unpleasant smells/tastes are most blocked. For example urine smell and homeless people become almost odorless while soap smell feels normal. Biggest surprise was during cunnilingus when i noticed vagina become almost odorless/tasteless while i felt smell of soap and neutral skin smell normally (have been single for years so i can't explain it more specifically). I suspect some use ethanol for that same reason but pregabalin could be better at that. I suspect something similar would happen with penis becoming tasteless but my scientific curiosity doesn't reach that far. 

Sometimes i worry about this drug being so good that i would become to picky for having human relationships. It also teached me little about relationships. I like this drug because i feel like cuddling against something good that keeps worries and most problems away (even when i sober i feel kinda immune towards some specific worries). This sense of safety is attractive and many people seem to like partners they feel safe with. Some simply try to find smaller partner that don't look like physical danger. Almost everyone prefers someone who's worldview makes them feel good and secure. Some choose way younger partners and this is one less popular way to feel intellectually superior. Even sexual harassers could choose targets that seem least risky. Naivety could be attracting for same reasons by leaving sense that others behavior is somehow under control.

Little background about me before i started using it

Although pregabalin is good at blocking shame i haven't noticed any new bad habits. My most embarrassing habits started before age 10 and i have gradually ended these habits. Main problem now is that it causes random scratching of whatever body part that is closest to fingernails and i often notice fingers scratch neighboring fingers (especially when i read about disturbing things like "Gulag Archipelago "). I don't take it while reading or watching serious things like that book as even with that in front of me, good ideas can suddenly rush through thinking and make me laugh from joy until i notice i had very serious website or book open in front of me. It would be very bad to get caught laughing like that situation in front of cameras. Also it makes it harder to think of bad things as thinking seems to selectively notice only good.

My optimism and enthusiasm are also older than my use of this drug. I grew up with few endlessly pessimistic relatives that inadvertently teached me by primary school age that this attitude is awful idiocy that just manufactures suffering to others just so the speaker could feel he/she gets some attention or respect. Also i try to stay modest because since more than 10 years ago i felt i was unusually advanced for my age just to discover i said something stupid in that area so i've learned to avoid bragging. I value humility highly in myself and others. I prefer to associate myself with people that are confident enough to admit mistakes and problems even if they embarrass themselves in public.
I don't need pregabalin to be happy but i really like how it keeps energy levels and mood consistent. Since middle school i tried to mentally describe things as entertainingly or pleasantly as possible without lying to myself. Since then i've kept this observational pleasant or at least distracting stream of thought maker in my head going. Even through my worst bad trips without pregabalin i had this way of thinking keeping me as optimistic as looked justified. Whatever my sobriety level i can freestyle automatically some stories or commentary that gives a warm-fuzzy mood not only to me but it seems addicting to others as well regardless of their gender. I can be emotionless talking on autopilot during these talks for hours while seeing how others respond. It seems to be case of almost identical brain in heads of 7+ billion people craving for same good perspectives and moods.
Generally i keep this warm fuzzy mood by tricks like these:
If i get too stressed over something then admit it to myself verbally (verbally in imagination).
Often with sarcasm.
Also not to get accusative or false or threatening towards anyone like people in their heads probably treat themselves even if they behave opposite to that towards others. Maybe this can create weird sense empathy if someone else know what happens in heads of others. And source of this magical sense is just knowing what is common through people regardless of location, age or gender. Knowing this overlap probably helps more with teaching, calming and "seducing" than with being funny.

Many of my clumsy looking mistakes in political texts are deliberate not from some thinking difficulty that drugs give. I consider power junkies worse for society than crackheads or heroin junkies so i don't like to get them manic or too eager to grab superficial control that in real life tends to be something symbolic getting "defended" by actually murdering people. Whenever i think i'm going to write something that could get someone dangerously high on some form of power (including this article) then i knowingly litter it enough depressing/awkward related things that they'd hopefully be too depressed to attempt untruthful or violent long term strategies. Sometimes i think even small obvious grammar mistake can cause thinking like: "if he does mistakes on simple words then what mistakes could his advice have".

Also my imagination was very ambitious long before discovering this drug existed. My blogging keeps this tradition of intense topics or content but have practiced for long time. For example when i was 14-15 (2001 summer to winter) i started to write about futurism (~200 techs on 80 pages) and i still think many of those ideas are plausible. For example for closer future i predicted battlefield scanners that observe the location and orientation of weapons and warn people when they are in line of fire or where they should go to avoid getting hit while running. Earlier more primitive version of similar tech could be used to tell blind people where they can go with current speed without collision.
In middle times i thought of artificial heaven and hell for those with artificial but sentient brain. Some hellish experience could possibly be used in brutal governments where dictator may want to torture more than human body would allow and later when dictator loses it could be used against him by making them relive the suffering they caused. If memories could be extracted then it is easier to think of appropriate punishments. Re-living suffering of victims could potentially be used as punishment for many criminals.
For most distant future i thought about resurrecting the dead by using more than planet sized computers to figure out where the atoms from dead spread or at least use any evidence gathering to put together most likely course of events. For few years i even believed this resurrection would work with long dead people but later i switched it other ideas like with extra precise MRIs on recently dead or dying to map out brain connections but it could take very strong magnetic field (~15 teslas makes animals float) which could be so much more intense than it could physically harm by squeezing body. It felt kinda like inventing afterlife for atheists at age 14-15 and it was based on childishly easy idea that reassembly could get things working again. I suspect those who were among first to think of virtual reality with direct brain contact went through similar phases. Also in that period i got some ideas about matter that i wrote about here in another language. 
I suspect creativity improved because questions i asked myself were also much more ambitious. Few months before that in year i got rejected from all ~5 high-schools i tried except my old school.  
After these things my idea of weird or too advanced almost disappeared. Sometimes it gave sense of seeing through infinity which tended to happen more often with cannabis. Sense of my mental age got weird. I kinda felt like a mixture of all ages from child to some ancient inhumanly long age and everything in between.
Also it made me bored with most everyday things which is more evident when i sober up and stop asking endless questions about other people although enthusiasm will probably stay towards some topics related to engineering or improving happiness of many people. In sense i felt like i peaked in ambition at age 14 and later i continued with similar ideas with increasingly good ideas how to get them working.

Pregabalin during researching

While it causes somewhat short attention span it is usually good enough to learn new words. Learning to understand devices is fine in that state. I like to compare studying to leveling in RPG games where xp points have to reach certain amount before new capabilities suddenly show up. In real life learning words is like numb xp gathering when most words don't change how i feel but after some unknown amount of learning there comes a sudden "level up" moment of understanding where mood becomes very good and things related to recently learned words start to make sense and look amateurishly simple.

One thing about discovering and teaching is that change in views can affect mood for 1-2 days.
Changing drug use is bit like changing views. They create small helpless exhausting anxiety (not nearly as bad as seeing violent crime or political atrocities and the anxiety and helplessness that cause) and loss of direction in suddenly more alien feeling world. Added stress could make it feel like things are falling apart but happy times during that mood usually give kinda heavenly mood that things are coming together fine but both are likely misleading. In that happy phase researching and pregabalin create pleasantly overlapping feelings that is common to milder transitions in worldviews. Probably because change of routine messes with usual behavioral autopilot and some logical thinking has to figure out what to do in that less usual time or situation but if someone is not used to take initiative over their own moods then they could stay unhappy (anxious, depressed or feeling aimlessly lost in some alien world) for longer. I rarely have problems with that myself (got used to this about 10 years ago) and pregabalin shortens that feeling to maybe less than hour so thinking can easily handle many large changes in day.
In politics these moods during change are usually way more intense than in science. Mainly it looks like media deliberately tries to make people feel that things are falling apart (by mixing stupid weird statements with very negative ones) while trying to blame certain politicians or social movements. Mixing together viewpoints or deliberately using contradictory statements to confuse more naive political activists that are willing to fight over things they don't understand. Sometimes they could say false statements that motivate idiots or those who wanted to fight and need some superficial excuse like in case of large country trying to attack smaller one and accusing smaller one of doing all the crimes larger country committed. In media its common that some channels try to create hysteria telling that things are falling apart due to political decision they dislike but when they are paid to support something then all good things would supposedly come together in cozy heavenly time as long this political decision becomes a binding law. In midway between politics and business media may be bribed or convinced to repeat that some business is doing very well and leave people time to spend savings on that (old stockholders can sell theirs in that time) until bubble bursts and media becomes bit more honest admitting said business wasn't doing fine. Media then may blame it on some political movement or politician that supposedly caused it and hysteric naive people that wasted their savings who are probably going through their own inner angsty confusion and feeling of things falling apart. It's almost daily sight to see something like that attempted in some channel.

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